Our culture conditions the way we give feedback to other people. This is one of the fascinating lessons we can explore with people from other countries.
In places like Holland or Israel, you can expect people to say it like it is, while in Saudi Arabia or Japan it could take you weeks, months or even years to realize someone is hoping you will eventually get the hint. And in between these extremes, you have as many formulas for giving feedback as you have cultures around the world.
So, what happens when people from around the planet come to the USA to work or study and maybe even live with a host family, and we try to give them helpful nudges in the “right direction”, whatever that may be?
Confusion. Yes! Too often, when we try to offer constructive criticism to help them fit in, maybe even let them know they are doing something that just doesn’t work in our culture, in a US workplace or even in our home, they just don’t get it. Why? Believe it or not, many of us are not as straight talkin’ as we’d like to believe.
First, we offer someone a soft slice of bread: “Hey, I want you to know how much I appreciate your hard work and attention to detail…”
Then we give them a piece of meat: “But it’s also really important you always turn things in on time, okay?”
And then, we top it all off with another slice of the fluffy stuff: “I do want you to know we’re happy with you. You’re doing really well, so keep up the good work!”
American ears perk up and (hopefully) start figuring out how to turn things in on time. But how might a foreigner interpret such a message?
There’s a very funny story about this in The Culture Map, Professor Erin Meyer’s entertaining attempt to decode how people think, lead, and get things done across cultures.
She once prepared a French woman for her new job in the US and then called her for a six-month follow-up.
Everything was… tres fantastique! That was her client’s version of the story, but not according to her American boss who was ready to fire her if she didn’t start responding to her colleagues’ feedback.
Sadly, it was too soft, and included too many pieces of too yummy bread, which she was feasting on, without even noticing the thin sheets of cheese in between.
Everything that is, except formulating their feedback in a way that cuts through cross-cultural communication barriers like a sharp dart aiming at a target.
So, how does that work? How can we give feedback to foreigners in ways they understand? And preferably without hurting anyone’s feelings - which is why someone created that first feedback sandwich so long ago!
There are no magic formulas, but these four tips will help you get your message through.
The learning curve is huge! And if you don’t believe me, I challenge you to pack your things and move to China or India – or even Spain (like I did) for a few years to see what it’s like.
Expect reality: you need to spend some extra time carefully and clearly explaining the important stuff or it just won’t get through.
No way! Please state your case. Go ahead, use your kindest tone of voice, but be sure the message is simple and clear.
So, speaking clearly is not enough. Put it in writing and post it in plain view if appropriate, and don’t hesitate to explain your intentions: “I care about you and want to help you be successful”.
Put yourself in their shoes. What if you were the foreigner in their country, trying to adapt to thousands of differences big and small?
If someone was trying to get you to change, wouldn’t you like a few chances to really understand and get it right? That kind of empathy will get you a long way.
At the heart of any feedback challenge is a very simple question: how do we get other people to change?
This question can spark surprising conversations with people from all over the world. Ask, “In this situation, how do people do it in your country?” and “If someone was doing it wrong, what would the boss (or mom or dad) do?”
Prepare yourself for some surprising answers. This is the start of an amazing adventure!