This is the emergency message I received from Maria:
“Can you help me? I think my host mom is crazy. She yelled at me for no reason. I don’t know what to do!”
Maria is not her real name, and she’s not the first exchange student to send me a message like this. But I was working at Maria’s sending agency in Spain, so it was my job to discover the truth: why did this host mom lose it for “no reason”?
“Yes, I lost it,” confessed host mom. “But it was the last straw! Maria has been making us late every morning. She forgot to do her chores yesterday - again! So, when I saw the dishes in the sink, that was it!”
Maria didn’t realize that she and her host mom shared an invisible bank account, an Emotional Bank Account.
Maria didn’t understand that host moms don’t just snap. When Mom’s Emotional Bank Account is full, she will be much more understanding when she finds dirty dishes in the sink - and she'll start by finding out why. But when she’s on empty - look out!
But, how could I help Maria to see this?
Fortunately, a brilliant metaphor saved the day. Many years ago, I discovered the Emotional Bank Account in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Let me show you how I used it to teach Maria how to get rich - in relationships.
When Maria’s face popped up on my phone screen her eyes were red and puffy. Tears were streaming down her cheeks…
“It’s not fair,” she complained. “I’m a good person. I follow the rules. My host mom shouldn’t get mad like that…” It was her turn to talk first, and she told me her side of the whole sad story.
Then it was my turn. “Can I share a simple idea with you, Maria?” She nodded her head… So, this is what I said:
“But I’m very nice to my host mother,” she protested. “I do lots of nice things for her, but she doesn’t appreciate that.”
So, we decided to make a list of all the nice “deposits” she had made in her host mother’s emotional bank account lately:
Maria’s list:
What was wrong with Maria’s investment strategy? Why wasn’t she enjoying dividends? Why wasn’t her host mom happy?
I needed to help Maria understand that making deposits in an emotional bank account can be tricky...
“You’re doing a lot of nice things, Maria,” I recognized. “But let me ask you a question. Are these the things your host mom expects? Are these the things she really cares about?”
“She loved my Spanish omelette!” she insisted. “When I cook in Spain my mom is so happy…”
Maria needed to understand a few things about deposits:
Bottom line? Maria needed to activate her curiosity.
After some thought, Maria realized that her host mom was looking for deposits like these:
Maybe if she made enough of these deposits, her host mom could sit back and savor her Spanish omelette…
“Why does my host mom get so angry if I’m just two minutes late in the morning?” Maria just couldn’t get it.
After 25 years living in Spain, I got it!
“Maria, this is a cultural difference. You can arrive even 10 or 15 minutes late in Spain and no one seems to care. But in the USA, this is a big, huge withdrawal from an emotional bank account - the first time. The second time it’s even bigger!”
Maria’s eyes were about to pop out of her head. “I didn’t realize that.”
We needed to cover a few points about withdrawals:
Maria was really worried now, “How can I know if something is a withdrawal for my host mom? What if she keeps getting mad at me?”
How could she know what was in her host mom’s heart?
It was time to talk about communication!
Like every teenager, Maria needed help learning how to communicate with her host family. She was a little shy about sharing the Emotional Bank Account metaphor, but finally, she decided to give it a try.
Soon, the whole family was talking about “deposits” and “withdrawals”. Instead of pointing fingers or criticizing each other, they focused on their balances:
Host mom shared her favorite deposits - reserving the right to keep adding to the list, of course:
Maria was brave enough to explain that she also needed some deposits in her account:
Thanks to a simple metaphor it was easy to talk about tough topics. The Emotional Bank Account made it possible to share very personal feelings in a safe, structured way.
Soon Maria’s local coordinator heard about her Emotional Bank Account pow-wow with her host family. “Tell me more!” She was all ears.
Then, something clicked! At the next exchange student potluck, the coordinator presented an Emotional Piggy Bank and asked each student to share their experiences.
Surprise, surprise! Many students reported deposits in their home country that were withdrawals in the USA:
Everyone learned a lot about relationship building, both at home and abroad. In fact, they decided that the Emotional Bank Account requires different currencies in different countries. In the same way you need euros in Europe and yen in Japan, you needed dollars for happy relationships in the USA.
As I worked with Maria, I tried to remember what it was like to be a teenager: You’re not a kid anymore. But you’re not an adult. You feel like you know so much. But you still have so much to learn…
Teaching teens how to manage relationships is one of the greatest gifts we can give. Few of them will become millionaires, but each one can get rich - in relationships.